my internal characters

I now know people can endure the most painful events even when it seems like they can't. Over come odds that most could never imagine. When I write I know a lot of my experiences influence what I am putting into my characters and events. I have experienced things that effect my everyday life so they defiantly influence my writing. Its always hard to explain why a character acts a specific way so I try to paint a picture of their past and find that point that changed them. I feel in turn I will fund my pivitol point that made me see the world differently and do the things I do. I have been told I have a heart that forgives but once my forgiveness is not enough for someone to stop I have an ability to shut off feelings or care for that person any longer. Its called flight from rejection, so what caused this ability what triggered my over it button. I suppose it started long before I was even conscious I was doing it. children who have a traumatic child hood are adults who refuse pain or rejection, they destroy any thing that feels it will lead to that. I am a little different though I still give chances and I still let my heart be open to others. I had to learn that not everything that seems bad is bad. it is hard to forgive and let go of things for me and many of my main characters come off this way. I know men believe this is just a women thing but I remember not being that way. where letting go was easy and not feeling attachment when I did. Now I have to figure out how to build my characters to find a way to move forward and change. I want them to share an internal story of power in pain and strength in weakness. I learn a lot about myself when I write and when I read but something that drives me to keep writing is to share a story for others who are stuck in their pain and show them a way to become the victor in their victimness. I hope you all are well. Happy Friday

sorry I disappeared

It's been awhile and for that I am really sorry. I have been restarting my life. Sorting through the pain and happiness and just trying to keep it together. Divorce is not just some word it's a process. It's accepting that something that's suppose to be forever is not going to be. It's letting your kids down but hoping they see that it was needed. It's seeing your ex with his mistress And mustering the strength to not cry or scream. It's facing that same ex in mettings and court hearings and trying to find the pieces of your 9 years together that you want to keep and what is okay to destroy. It brings out the ugly and the mean and makes you want to just light a match and walk away at moments. So the last 8 months thats what I have been doing and the last 4 months I found myself again. I found my ability to rebuild, to love myself, to see it really wasn't me it was totally him and his choices. I reminded myslef of the reason I told him I wanted a divorce. I loved him enough to let him go. He wasn't happy he hated family life, he hated me and he hated the life we had together. His multiple affairs were just his cop out. Not that it made it okay but I had to accept that he didn't love me anymore we just lived together and every effort I made to make him feel loved or cared about just pist him off even more. He didn't love me anymore he hadn't for a very long time I just finally accepted it And yes it hurt like hell. It was cleansing though it ment I could start my life again. It ment I could raise my kids in a happy home with positive vibes, they can make friends and keep them for life because the military doesn't control us anymore. I can show my daughter what a real man who loves you looks like and my son's what it looks like to love a girl. I do hope I can shield my kids from the in and out of why we got divorced as long as I can. Knowing your father cheated on your mother multiple times and is with one of his many mistresses is not a conversation I look forward to. My kids don't need to hurt I hurt enough for all of them. Now life is good it's happy good things are happening I learned a lot.

So yes I have been MIA but I am back and can't wait to share some new things I am working on. Sorry about the bad punctuation also lol...